Resolving Conflict in Marriage
After having taught English to one particular class of students in Beijing for three semesters, we had grown quite close. In fact, a third of them had come to Christ. Now out time was winding down and we were beginning to summarize feelings and formulate conclusions.
The class monitor piped up, speaking for the whole class, ‘Before we met you [teacher], we wondered, “What are foreigners like?” But now we have come to realized that they are really not so different.’
It’s so easy to underestimate the differences in how cultures shape us and all the resulting barriers and misunderstandings. But it’s also easy to overestimate our commonalities!
A key lesson God taught me early on is not to see the person next to me on the bus as a ‘Chinese,’ but as a person. We aspire, we grieve, we love, we hurt, we get mad, and we fear. In short, we are human beings—both of us.
Surprisingly, marriage is an area of remarkable commonalities! When the Mark and Zerrin, founders of PLEDGEtalk, went to China in response to repeated requests to provide effective marriage teachers/counselors, they were full of trepidation over cultural differences.
Many cultural factors contribute to the current epidemic of divorce in China, not to mention the preponderance of marital misery—including among church leaders. But whatever the cultural distinctive origins may be, they found that the actual dynamics of both marital conflict and of healing are ‘common to man’ as Corinthians puts it.
Here is the Oelze’s report:
I had just asked a group of Chinese believers we were working with, ‘Tell me what you’ve learned from our time together today.’ I was writing down their answers as they went around the group and shared.
I could hardly scribble fast enough and my heart swelled as they spoke of the impact upon their lives.
I realize I am not loving well.
I cannot keep quiet when it is my turn to listen. I asked myself why and thought, because I am proud.
PLEDGE is very useful.
The person that volunteers to listen to the other is practicing humility.
I have hope because my wife wants to change.
It is very important to pause when there is tension in the relationship; it has helped us not have our tempers rise.
Pause quickly. I am learning to give my husband time. I learned I must shift my heart.
I can receive from my wife when she speaks respectfully.
I learned to turn to God when I pause and ask him for help.
Love is the foundation of the whole process.
Six months prior to this, we had been asked to go to China to train couples on how to communicate and process conflict in a manner that is governed by love. This is our passion. We teach six Biblical principles mainly from Proverbs that are transformative in their effect on relationships when used together in a specific order.
The principles are represented by the acronym, PLEDGE. And as the above comments reflect, they got it! In learning and applying the principles, each couple has begun to experience real and lasting change in their marriage.
In China, we taught in two cities. In the first city we spoke to two church fellowships that joined together in the evenings. During the day, we were able to train a group of eight couples more in depth. It was a joy to work with these eight couples and to see them understand and apply the principles. They were vulnerable in sharing.
On the last day the couples shared how the trainings had impacted their marriages. One man locked eyes with me and would not let go. With intense emotion he thanked me for the teaching and the impact upon his marriage. One by one each couple shared. We were surprised by the vulnerability, humility, and openness.
Prompted by us, the couples decided to continue to meet together every other month to work through the principles and encourage one another to go deeper. We daily received text messages from members of the group with questions, ideas or stories of other couples they are now teaching this material to! What a joy!
People were equally responsive in the second city we taught in. Once again, this surprised us. We had read that due to the culture and education system in China, people would not engage or interact with us as we taught. We were told we would not be able to read their faces, and not to expect to get any feedback from them. What a delightful surprise to see their faces full of emotion and to see them engage with us in hand motions and laughter and thumbs-up.
On our second day of teaching, in a crowded room of about 120 people, I decided to ask for feedback. The leader of the movement shared first.
When she finished, a man stood up. He began to tell about the impact of his teaching upon his marriage and was soon in tears. Heartbreak and healing were evident in his words. I was in tears as well and shortly thereafter this man reached out to grab hold of me and we embraced. Next this man turned to his wife and asked her forgiveness. It was powerful! Everyone in the room was visibly stirred. God was once again moving in our midst.
Perhaps one of the greatest takeaways from our trip was seeing Ephesians 3:20 come true over and over again. In the weeks and months before China, we had many questions:
How could we afford it? How could we take time off? Would what we have to teach be helpful to the Chinese people? Could my voice hold up enough for the many hours of teaching? What would it be like working with translators? Would the Chinese understand the concepts we were teaching? How well would we be able to relate?
One by one our questions were answered in amazing ways. We found all to be needless worry. Indeed, God did ‘exceeding abundantly beyond what we could have asked or even imagine!' (Ephesians 3:20). Thank you, Jesus!
When we left China, we left family.